Homage to Pete and Dud

Dud: This Coronavirus thing is a right pain.

Pete: You're not wrong there. I was only thinking the other day
what a right pain in the derriere - if you’ll excuse my French -
what a right pain in the derriere this wretched thing has become.

Dud: What gets me is they don’t even tell us why they call it
Coronavirus.

Pete: I can tell you why. It’s because they are completely in the
dark about it. So they’ve had to call it something wondrous and
ethereal to mask their total ignorance.

Dud: Wondrous and ethereal?

Pete: Yes. Wondrous and ethereal… Of course, they had to have
a bit of a brain storm to come up with the name. And then as if
by some divine providence, some bright spark would have come
up with the idea of calling it... ‘Coronavirus.’

Dud: On account of it being wondrous and ethereal?

Pete: On account of it being wondrous and ethereal.

Dud: So where does the name actually come from, Pete?

Pete: Well, there you’ve got me. But if I were a gambling man,
which of course I’m not… I would put my money on the name
itself being of Latin derivation.

Dud: Latin derivation?

Pete: Yes, Latin derivation… You see there’s nothing quite as
wondrous and ethereal as a bit of  Latin derivation... I mean to
say, this Prime Minister loves his Latin.

Dud: I thought he loved the ladies.

Pete: Aside from loving the ladies, he also has a bit of a thing
about Latin.

Dud: You mean a little bit of Latin on the side?

Pete: Yes - a bit of Latin on the side... He loves his Latin. Can’t
get enough of the Latin… Only the other day he came out with a
lovely little gem. He can’t help himself. He’s always getting the
urge.

Dud: He’s known for his urges isn’t he?

Pete: Yes Dud, he is known for his urges. He has his fair share of
urges...

Dud: So what was this lovely little gem?

Pete: The lovely little gem in question was ‘Veni, vidi vici.’

Dud: Not being conversant with Latin, would you mind
transliterating?

Pete: I will even go as far as elucidating… Roughly translated
veni, vidi, vici  means I came, I saw, and did all kinds of
unmentionables.

Dud: I see.

Pete: Course, he’s not the only one to be partial to the Latin. The
queen likes her Latin, too.

Dud: Does she?

Pete: She’s very partial to a bit of Latin is Her Highness. When
she had that fire at Windsor castle. You remember that don’t you?

Dud: Oh yes. Dreadful business.

Pete: Indeed… Well, she didn’t describe that year as being
thoroughly nasty.

Dud: Didn’t she?

Pete: No. She called it ‘Annus horribilis.’

Dud: Annus horribilis? Would you mind soliciting again?

Pete: Certainly... It’s Latin. In other words, an extremely wondrous
and ethereal way of saying that her year was in fact a bit of a
bummer.

Dud: Bit of a bummer?

Pete: Yes. You see the thing about Latin is that whatever you say,
it will will always sound wondrous and ethereal.

Dud: Seems a bit funny to me wanting to speak a language
nobody understands.

Pete: Well, if you can speak in a way that very few people can
actually understand, you are very well qualified to be Prime
Minister. 

Dud: Why’s that then?

Pete: Well, just think about it. If you were Prime Minister, which,
thank goodness you aren’t, and you were asked a very difficult
question, which you didn’t know the answer to, what would you
say?

Dud: I suppose I’d be stumped for words.

Pete: Well you wouldn’t be stumped for words when you can
answer in Latin. Because by answering in Latin, you’ll be giving an
answer that no one will understand…

Dud: And I suppose you’d be confusing everyone in an ethereal
and wondrous way.

Pete: You would indeed be confusing everyone in an ethereal and
wondrous way… And that in a rather round-about way in answer
to your original question, is why this wretched virus is named
Coronavirus.

Dud: It’s all Greek to me Pete.

Pete: Well actually Dud you’re quite right. It is I believe also Greek
in derivation. Of course, the ancient Greeks were a very clever
bunch. Very clever indeed.

Dud: Interesting that you say that... Because there’s a very
ancient Greek gentleman who used to have a kebab shop near me
until he was closed down by health and safety. That wasn’t so
clever was it Pete?

Pete: Well you have to remember that some extremely ancient
Greeks do unfortunately suffer from dementia.

Dud: Dementia?

Pete: Yes. Dementia. The funny thing about dementia - and
there’s not a lot that’s funny about dementia - but the funny thing
is that dementia is actually Latin you know… (FADE)

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